I Am Now Dead

I Am Now Dead
to my child, Jessica

                                                                 

All the words I wanted to say

I could not speak

Through your shouts,

Through the bitterness

Your tongue announced,

Condemning me like the Pharisees—me silent as Jesus.

I do not say I am Jesus.

I do say that my words could not be heard

Over the cinder blocks,

Over the unforgiving,

I      not knowing      what it was      I had done

So many years ago in your childhood.            I thought I was there,

I thought I gave my best.

Your grievance I cannot answer

Without the knowledge of the transgression

I am supposed to drown in.

It does not matter, now.                     I am dead.

I am dead,

Standing in the shallows

Of your baptism

Watching you,

Seeing your life crumble,

Wondering how it is my sin

That you are not happy.

I cannot give you happiness.

I cannot give you peace.

My responsibility ended when you became your own.

My time came back

Into existence upon the birth

Of an adult child.

However, none of this matters.

I am dead to you.

Since I am dead,

These words do not exist.

Forget what you read.

Forget me,

But know I will not forget you,

Know I will love you,

Know I will take the pain

In my death

Because you will always be

My child.