Subtraction

Some would say I am bipolar

Others would concur I have gone off the deep end / lost my marbles / became apeshit

 Still, many say I ignore them
                                                assuming, I am no longer worth their time

Grief is a subtraction of the soul

Grief gathers the emotions to compile the missing which creates

                                                                                                      Depression

It gathers the emotions to save the missing and shows the hidden

                                                                                                       PTSD

This is where grievers fight for their life to exist as they once understood it

                                                                              As they ONCE understood

There is no logic

                           Logic is a misconception of numbers that never never never never
                           come close to equaling the chaos theory—

Grief is beyond the numbers

I am not bipolar—there are times I must switch gears quickly in the middle of something important or I will become a display case that makes everyone uncomfortable

                        Go ahead, tell me I should

                                                            We all know the consequences of this action

                                                            Subtraction equals nonreaction

When I walk away to go off the deep end, to lose my marbles, to go apeshit, don’t follow me, you won’t like me

                        This is the me that has no control

                        This is the me trying to cope and finding no answers

                        This is the me that must exist right now

                                                I have to do this to regain sanity

                                                Loosing the mind briefly adds to me, teaches me who I am—
                                                            that part of me I ignored and kept hidden

                                                            This is getting in touch

                                                            This is organized chaos crossing over
                                                            Subtracting equals a positive              just let it be

I don’t ignore people because I don’t like them . . .

            I ignore people because my emotions can’t deal with them—right now
                                                                                                                        or for a few weeks

At least I try to let these people know but often I can’t, I just can’t

because I can’t deal with any long conversations
because I can’t hear what I should do . . . all those different good meaning phrases

                                    Or, you think making me laugh will change where I am

                                                Depends on my chemistry at the time—
                                                not everything is funny or memorable or comical during my time

                                                                        Of coping

                                                                        More input isn’t always good

When happiness begins to flicker, sometimes, I need to focus

Focus on the essentials of life

                                                No, that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped laughing

                                                It means I’ve became choosier about what will make me laugh
                                                which will add positive numbers to the chaos

There is that small circle of association during this time

They know what I need

They know what to do

They know me

If my actions have offended you

By all means . . . don’t speak to me

                                                Take me off your list of friends

                                                            DON’T make me feel guilty for surviving the best I can

I know who I should be with

 and when I should be with them

 and where I should be

as I struggle and restructure me

subtraction is livelihood     subtraction is equalizing     subtraction is . . . composing

I write this because no one can walk in my shoes
                                                because too many have words of wisdom that have no clue
                                                                        because I hear “that isn’t right”
            because I hear “it’s time to move on”
                                    because people don’t see the whole scene and often don’t want to

                                                                        making the grieving person feel guilty doesn’t change the grief—it only makes it deeper because you won’t understand where the person is

                                                            Right now, Right here, This moment

                                    Guilt only makes it deeper, makes the person feel worthless, makes a person feel as if s/he is always doing wrong, makes a person feel worse than s/he already does, makes a person fall deeper into the nowhere place, the nowhere place where numbers swim inconsistently, where numbers do not mean logic, where chaos theory isn’t organize chaos, where time loops again and again, a replay of the replay with no way to get out

Please take a moment before judging the grieving soul—death of a loved one changes a person, a part of who that person is now gone, s/he must restructure, create again with subtracting numbers, learning that the hole cannot be filled and will not be filled and will never have logic in it and accepting this . . . accepting this . . . accepting this              logic is for the living side of the soul

It is easier to add than it is to subtract

Don’t place more pain unto the person who is still learning to take away     and live